Loveless Heart: February 2011

Thursday, February 17, 2011

fat. fat. fat. fat. fat. fat. fat. fat. fat. fat. fat. fat. fat. fat.

I was never conscious of my weight until I turned 16. When someone complimented me and said I looked so much nicer with a bit of weight off. When I found out my best friend had bulimia. When guys really preferred skinnier girls than chubby ones.

It took me a year and half to shed most of the 12-14kgs I gained when I moved to Australia and I'm never as ever as acutely aware of how disgusting my stomach rolls look, how flabby my upper arms are and how fat my thighs are so much so they touch each other when I walk in shorts.

I watch, judge and compare myself to every female I see on the street, how fat I'm compared to her. How small her thighs are, how much her collar bones are protruding. I'm sick of it. Not allowing anyone to touch me and know how big of a fatty I'm. I'm sick of being that ugly fat girl.

This week, I started attempting to eat as healthily as possible. Tuna avocado sandwiches, fruits, yogurt, grilled chicken and vegetables. I'm just sick of it. Sick of being the fat one.