Moved to

http://lepetitrenardxx.tumblr.com/

let it be.

Featuring what I've bought (mostly!)  in the last two weeks.

I definitely need to clean and reorganize my closet because I can't find anything to wear and everything is just in a pile of mess! 

In other news, the last couple of weeks has been nothing less than tumultuous. I've always been acutely aware of my issues and right now, I'm stuck in a limbo, a crossroad because I'm really unsure how to deal with them. I know I'm not psychologically unstable but I don't know how long I can continue hurting and being extremely spiteful the people I love the most every time they do or say anything that feel remotely hurtful. I just feel the need to get back at them because I feel very unjustly treated. Maybe it's a way for me to make people feel as much gut wrenching pain as I felt so long ago. I'm definitely terrified to seek help and spill everything and anything to one person because it's unnatural, and so, so, so difficult for me to say anything without choking up or being defensive.

To be honest, I doubt I'm going to do anything about it because I'm just going to leave it in a corner, forget about it for a while and let it take control all over again. 

Fuck.

I'm absolutely terrified of dying.

Trying hard not to burst into tears at work right now x

Post Holiday

Post holiday, a week later I'm now pescatarian. I've completely cut out chicken and pork out of my diet. So far so good but it's still pretty early on. Strangely, today is taco tuesdays and I LOVE chicken tacos and was a bit apprehensive of bean tacos. But I didn't crave chicken at all. It's like my brain just switched off.

I've started back into my better eating diet and when I feel more settled, I'm going back into running again. I've signed up for pole dancing again :) Also have to get back into stretch classes.

Yay yay to summer! x

CW: 61 (before meals) - 62 (after meals)
GW: 56
IW: 54

Giving myself till Dec!

i don't understand why we keep doing this.

fight. i go to toilets to pretend to pee and cry in silence/go to bed and cry facing away from him.

go out into the living room/wake up the next day

and we're all good again.

wtf is this shit.

i don't know how long i can do this.

games

too old for this shit. last night was ridiculous. ridiculously good and bad.

you kept coming up to me and telling me you love me. and no, i dont want to hear this shit.

i came all the way just to see you. but what did you do? absolutely fuck all. at the end, you went into your best mate's room while he's having sex. and you apparently just laid there and then maybe perhaps had a 3 or 4some. wtf.

i was so disgusted. it's so disrespectful.

i dont want to see you again.

or do i?

FML

I've gotten fat.

recent purchases

credits: topshop.com

This just popped up on my newsfeed. OF COURSE THE BIKE WAS STOLEN. Why, thank you Capt Obvious! Don't understand how retards like this manage to still walk on the streets and not be knocked down by a car.

Filthy Kids

Well, since the silly little kids that I worked with don't clean up after themselves. They think there is a magic cleaning fairy who cleans up after them. Management has taken away the microwave, dishes and cutlery away. The latter 2 don't bother me at all since I always bought my own BUT I NEED A microwave! I can't justify spending $10 on lunches every single day.

So... this is my meal plan (lunch only) for the week
Tues: Tacos (only 1.90 at salsas!)
Wed: Tuna salad with pine nuts, tomato, sweet corn and cucumber
Thurs: Couscous salad w chicken, tomato, cucumber, chickpeas and baby spinach
Fri: Pasta salad w bacon, potato, cucumber
Sat: Ham, cheese and mayo sandwich

Woop! Sounds like a plan to me.

♥

My perfect outfit. Soft cup lacey underwear and head to toe black with a huge load up of jewelry.

(credits: pic 1: tumblr pic 2: karmaloop)

I feel like total poo even though lots of good things seem to be happening to me right now. It just doesn't feel real. It feels like everything will come crashing down upon me in a moment and I'll be back where I came from.

w t h

Most times, I just feel like I'm the only person in the friendship who ever does anyone. The only person who tries to keep the thread alive by writing, e-mailing, one time, even going to her place to hand deliver to letter to be told she's not home and not heard anything since.

I don't give a fuck anymore. And yes, it makes me sad. Very, very sad to know that I pretty much won't be able to find and have any friends, real friends. Am I the only person feeling this way?

my mantra for life

I FUCKING HATE PEOPLE. WHY DO I ALWAYS GET MYSELF INTO SITUATIONS WHERE I AM ALWAYS THE PERSON WHO GETS HURT. 

DON'T EVEN SEE THE POINT OF ANYTHING ANYMORE. SOMETIMES I JUST WANT TO CRAWL INTO A HOLE AND DIE. FUCK EVERYONE. FUCK ME.

And I realized that I'm really all alone.

No family, no Christine, no Eunbi.

And this is all there is.

crossroads.

  At this point of my life, I'm 24 and I've ZERO clue of what I'm going to do career wise. I'm now working in 2 casual jobs, looking for full time work. I've a degree which you know what? I don't even give a shit about. I only went to uni because my parents wanted me to, because it felt like a supposed natural progression. In the end, what was the damn point?

  I realized our parents' way of thinking are stuck in this paradigm where having a degree is everything but it is not, it was back in their times, back in our grandparents' time where having a degree means you're guaranteed to have a well-paid job but at our age and now, having a degree means fuck all.

  Sometimes, I don't even know why I care when everything comes to an end anyways.

Today's wrist candy

Splurge or Steal

One Teaspoon Black Lagoon Dress $169.95

Keepsake Borrowed Heart Dress $109