Moved to

http://lepetitrenardxx.tumblr.com/

let it be.

Featuring what I've bought (mostly!)  in the last two weeks.

I definitely need to clean and reorganize my closet because I can't find anything to wear and everything is just in a pile of mess! 

In other news, the last couple of weeks has been nothing less than tumultuous. I've always been acutely aware of my issues and right now, I'm stuck in a limbo, a crossroad because I'm really unsure how to deal with them. I know I'm not psychologically unstable but I don't know how long I can continue hurting and being extremely spiteful the people I love the most every time they do or say anything that feel remotely hurtful. I just feel the need to get back at them because I feel very unjustly treated. Maybe it's a way for me to make people feel as much gut wrenching pain as I felt so long ago. I'm definitely terrified to seek help and spill everything and anything to one person because it's unnatural, and so, so, so difficult for me to say anything without choking up or being defensive.

To be honest, I doubt I'm going to do anything about it because I'm just going to leave it in a corner, forget about it for a while and let it take control all over again. 

Fuck.

I'm absolutely terrified of dying.

Trying hard not to burst into tears at work right now x

Post Holiday

Post holiday, a week later I'm now pescatarian. I've completely cut out chicken and pork out of my diet. So far so good but it's still pretty early on. Strangely, today is taco tuesdays and I LOVE chicken tacos and was a bit apprehensive of bean tacos. But I didn't crave chicken at all. It's like my brain just switched off.

I've started back into my better eating diet and when I feel more settled, I'm going back into running again. I've signed up for pole dancing again :) Also have to get back into stretch classes.

Yay yay to summer! x

CW: 61 (before meals) - 62 (after meals)
GW: 56
IW: 54

Giving myself till Dec!

i don't understand why we keep doing this.

fight. i go to toilets to pretend to pee and cry in silence/go to bed and cry facing away from him.

go out into the living room/wake up the next day

and we're all good again.

wtf is this shit.

i don't know how long i can do this.

games

too old for this shit. last night was ridiculous. ridiculously good and bad.

you kept coming up to me and telling me you love me. and no, i dont want to hear this shit.

i came all the way just to see you. but what did you do? absolutely fuck all. at the end, you went into your best mate's room while he's having sex. and you apparently just laid there and then maybe perhaps had a 3 or 4some. wtf.

i was so disgusted. it's so disrespectful.

i dont want to see you again.

or do i?

FML

I've gotten fat.

recent purchases

credits: topshop.com

This just popped up on my newsfeed. OF COURSE THE BIKE WAS STOLEN. Why, thank you Capt Obvious! Don't understand how retards like this manage to still walk on the streets and not be knocked down by a car.

Filthy Kids

Well, since the silly little kids that I worked with don't clean up after themselves. They think there is a magic cleaning fairy who cleans up after them. Management has taken away the microwave, dishes and cutlery away. The latter 2 don't bother me at all since I always bought my own BUT I NEED A microwave! I can't justify spending $10 on lunches every single day.

So... this is my meal plan (lunch only) for the week
Tues: Tacos (only 1.90 at salsas!)
Wed: Tuna salad with pine nuts, tomato, sweet corn and cucumber
Thurs: Couscous salad w chicken, tomato, cucumber, chickpeas and baby spinach
Fri: Pasta salad w bacon, potato, cucumber
Sat: Ham, cheese and mayo sandwich

Woop! Sounds like a plan to me.

♥

My perfect outfit. Soft cup lacey underwear and head to toe black with a huge load up of jewelry.

(credits: pic 1: tumblr pic 2: karmaloop)

I feel like total poo even though lots of good things seem to be happening to me right now. It just doesn't feel real. It feels like everything will come crashing down upon me in a moment and I'll be back where I came from.

w t h

Most times, I just feel like I'm the only person in the friendship who ever does anyone. The only person who tries to keep the thread alive by writing, e-mailing, one time, even going to her place to hand deliver to letter to be told she's not home and not heard anything since.

I don't give a fuck anymore. And yes, it makes me sad. Very, very sad to know that I pretty much won't be able to find and have any friends, real friends. Am I the only person feeling this way?

my mantra for life

I FUCKING HATE PEOPLE. WHY DO I ALWAYS GET MYSELF INTO SITUATIONS WHERE I AM ALWAYS THE PERSON WHO GETS HURT. 

DON'T EVEN SEE THE POINT OF ANYTHING ANYMORE. SOMETIMES I JUST WANT TO CRAWL INTO A HOLE AND DIE. FUCK EVERYONE. FUCK ME.

And I realized that I'm really all alone.

No family, no Christine, no Eunbi.

And this is all there is.

crossroads.

  At this point of my life, I'm 24 and I've ZERO clue of what I'm going to do career wise. I'm now working in 2 casual jobs, looking for full time work. I've a degree which you know what? I don't even give a shit about. I only went to uni because my parents wanted me to, because it felt like a supposed natural progression. In the end, what was the damn point?

  I realized our parents' way of thinking are stuck in this paradigm where having a degree is everything but it is not, it was back in their times, back in our grandparents' time where having a degree means you're guaranteed to have a well-paid job but at our age and now, having a degree means fuck all.

  Sometimes, I don't even know why I care when everything comes to an end anyways.

Today's wrist candy

Splurge or Steal

One Teaspoon Black Lagoon Dress $169.95

Keepsake Borrowed Heart Dress $109

Not again!

All mine!! ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

:) I'm smiling but my bank account is not and I'm sure my boyfr would not be either!

5 reps of 1.5min run & 45seconds walk
20min stretch
1min calf raises
1min tricep dips
20x step ups each leg

1 cup of chocolate ice cream
nutella sandwich
eggs, bacon, aparagus & mushrooms
dins dins: organic soba w snow peas, beans, soy garlic chicken.

Poo

Haven't ran since the post before last; nearly a month ago! Shocking :( Better late than never. Esp since seeing my weight this morning.

Food
7 mounthful of chocolate ice cream & nutella sandwich. veggie curry. 2 sushi hand rolls, half an apple, 20g of chips.

Did 1.5min of running and 45sec of walking - total 3 reps.
1 min of tricep dips
1 min of step ups on park bench
20mins stretch

Well, here it goes.
CW: 62kgs (I'm usually 58-60!)
IW: 55/56kgs
LW: 53kgs

Gheez. I'm nearly 10 kgs heavier from what I was 4 years ago :(

Just bought (finally found one!!)

 

Drinking too much

Eating

Will buy

credits - sequin t-shirt, gold collar & spike bracelet: google

I'm feeling a change

I feel quite pround of myself today. I'm the kind of person who says "I'll go on a healthy diet, run tomorrow, etc" but never does. But guess who woke up at 7.30 this morning to run? I'm going to start on running for 1.5minutes (attempted 2 minutes today. Does not work) and walk for 45 seconds and repeat x 4 or until I exercise for 30minutes depending on how my stamina goes.

Food for today as goes.
Breakfast: Peanut butter & jelly on pumpkin seed bread
Work lunch (that I made): Stir fried round beans, snow peas and bacon with carrots, broccoli & red peppers
Dinner: Undecided

illusions, kissing the stars.

I see myself as a realist, a cynic. Very blunt, connected with reality. What you see is what you get. I'm open and I rarely hide my feelings and thoughts but at the same time, I feel like I'm absolutely crazy. Crazy in a bad way. Crazy that I think I'm illusioned with life. I go up and I go down. At any moment, I can just go spirally down and just downright hate everyone. I don't feel like I've any friends. I feel like almost everyone is fake. All that phoniness. I can't stand it. I don't "hang out" with anyone. All I do is work and go home and when I do go out, all I do is get smashed, black out or be off my face. Even when I'm fucked and supposedly loving everyone, I feel noone loves me back. Why do I bother giving when noone returns. Sometimes I let it go, sometimes I get just so angry.

What is going on?

On a temporry shopping ban for a month or how much longer I can do due to an unexpected expenditure that cost me $613 :( Work has been quiet as well = cut shifts

Hopefully, if I get the urge to buy anything, I'll just open 1 parcel to curb the urge. So these will be left unopened until emergency arises.

2012 Goals

Long Term
♥ Save $10 000 by end of Dec 2012
♥ Attempt a back bend from standing
♥ Front splits (both sides!)
♥ Shoulder mount
♥ Buy a residential property
♥ Be able to run 15 minutes without stopping
♥ Weigh 55/56kgs

Short Term
♥ Get my wisdom teeth out
♥ Visit my parents
♥ Work in a full time job